All The Boys I Like Have Herpes

Well, it’s not exactly Hemingway, but it is the truest sentence I know.  And that one true sentence is wrong on so many levels.

1)   that the first two men I’ve gone for drinks with have it
2)   that I am even privy to this information
3)   that it was shared during the first conversation (the information you sickos, not the STD)
4)   that these men have been in long term monogamous relationships and have it
5)   that I considered it
6)   that I seriously considered it

Wow.  Now, where was I going with that?  Ah yes…modern dating dilemmas.  I’m not dating mind you, though I’m well within my rights for doing so, as the abandoned spouse. But somehow, signing up for online dating (which is how it’s done these days) feels a little like false advertising to me.  I am still married.  And so that places me in an awkward position.  How does one begin to put oneself out there with that lot of emotional garbage?  With that in mind, I’ve begun to make up some adverts for my own amusement until the time comes when I am ready.

Perhaps a simple opening line would go something like this:

How do you feel about adultery?
Or perhaps a pithy statement like:
Less drama more tongue
(That’s a long story that I might tell later, let’s just keep it simple for now and say closed mouth kisses frustrate me.)
Or, one of my personal favorites:
Old-fashioned woman seeks man to fix her gin cocktails in the evening and call her darling.
(Though my sister says that advert would just attract balding alcoholics.)

Perhaps a personal in the form of a poem….

Biter

Seeks man who likes to be bitten
with the full force of the mouth
hard and aggressive
not one of those sucking sort of nibbles
they call love bites
I want to take your bottom lip
between my teeth
and suck until swollen
black and blue
more pleasant than the fist
I want to leave a bruise
a perfect set of my teeth
imprinted on your soft
shoulder muscle
draw blood if I might
I want the whole of you in my mouth
taken in easy to digest
bite size pieces
like small chunks of caramel
chewy and soft
Biter
seeks man who likes to be hurt
in surprising ways
thin skinned sensitive types
need not apply
Or not….

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