All The Boys I Like Have Herpes

Well, it’s not exactly Hemingway, but it is the truest sentence I know.  And that one true sentence is wrong on so many levels.

1)   that the first two men I’ve gone for drinks with have it
2)   that I am even privy to this information
3)   that it was shared during the first conversation (the information you sickos, not the STD)
4)   that these men have been in long term monogamous relationships and have it
5)   that I considered it
6)   that I seriously considered it

Wow.  Now, where was I going with that?  Ah yes…modern dating dilemmas.  I’m not dating mind you, though I’m well within my rights for doing so, as the abandoned spouse. But somehow, signing up for online dating (which is how it’s done these days) feels a little like false advertising to me.  I am still married.  And so that places me in an awkward position.  How does one begin to put oneself out there with that lot of emotional garbage?  With that in mind, I’ve begun to make up some adverts for my own amusement until the time comes when I am ready.

Perhaps a simple opening line would go something like this:

How do you feel about adultery?
Or perhaps a pithy statement like:
Less drama more tongue
(That’s a long story that I might tell later, let’s just keep it simple for now and say closed mouth kisses frustrate me.)
Or, one of my personal favorites:
Old-fashioned woman seeks man to fix her gin cocktails in the evening and call her darling.
(Though my sister says that advert would just attract balding alcoholics.)

Perhaps a personal in the form of a poem….

Biter

Seeks man who likes to be bitten
with the full force of the mouth
hard and aggressive
not one of those sucking sort of nibbles
they call love bites
I want to take your bottom lip
between my teeth
and suck until swollen
black and blue
more pleasant than the fist
I want to leave a bruise
a perfect set of my teeth
imprinted on your soft
shoulder muscle
draw blood if I might
I want the whole of you in my mouth
taken in easy to digest
bite size pieces
like small chunks of caramel
chewy and soft
Biter
seeks man who likes to be hurt
in surprising ways
thin skinned sensitive types
need not apply
Or not….

Advertisements

Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright

I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s alright

That Bob Dylan song has been with me for sometime.  Of course the version I am always singing is the one The Clumsy Lovers play. It just sums it up so perfectly. I mean really, couldn’t he have told me this say 15 years ago?  I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don’t mind.  Why wait until we have had years and years of wonderful history, built a life together, then finally start to settle down, move to a city we love, buy a house, think about children?  Go now?  When everything is coming together?  When it is too late to relive some of those dreams I had years ago and gave up for him?  Yep.  You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice, it’s alright.

Bob Dylan isn’t the only one with lyrics that speak to the situation.

I disappeared in you,
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted,
wasn’t what you wanted.

Ah Bono, sometimes you just nail it.  This is exactly how I feel.  And I don’t want to feel like that again.  I don’t want to give myself up for someone else only to have them then realize that everything they thought they wanted (that you had given them), is not what they wanted.  Is there a point to all of this?  No.  Just thought I’d share what’s been stuck on repeat in my head.  You’re welcome.

On a side note, since buying a car I’ve had very little contact with the man who was my closest friend for the last eighteen years.  I knew he was going to Jamaica with the airline credit from the trip he didn’t make with me, so it came as no surprise when I received an email telling me he had returned.  Hi Kittycat.  Back from Jamaica.  Had a fun and relaxing trip.  Sent you a postcard.  Gee, thanks.  When last we met, he was still wearing his wedding ring.  But perhaps he tossed that eternally yours into the sea whilst lying on the beach somewhere in Montego Bay.

The Silver Fox is Masquerading as a Mink

I’m in love.  That’s right, in love…with my car.  It’s been a long while since I owned my own car.  Gave it up a few years into the marriage in order to share one vehicle, as it was the sensible (we didn’t need two cars) environmentally friendly thing to do.  I stick with that decision.  That said, I missed that freeing feeling of driving, of something being my very own.  Mine, to keep as clean or dirty filthy as I like.  Living where I do, it’s not absolutely necessary that I have a car and drive, I live in a great neighborhood in walking distance of shops, restaurants, and grocery stores and public transport is pretty efficient for the states.  And I love being able to walk everywhere—love love love walking.  But I’ve never been one of those I hate cars kind of people.  I kind of wish I was one of them, but I really like driving on a sunny day with the windows down, hand on the gear shift, music playing.  It’s enjoyable.  It makes me happy.  I like driving and it’s something I’d forgotten I once enjoyed so much.

In the marriage, I would always acquiesce to husband driving, even though I was the better driver, and I’m not just saying that to be spiteful, really truly, I was the better driver.  I was more alert, more in control of the vehicle, and much smoother with my transitions.  John was all gas and brake.  Very sudden with his movements and decisions…hmmm.

I took the car (I’ve named it the silver fox) in to have its comprehensive inspection and an oil change and came away with an expensive list of things that need fixing. Manifold, cracked ($1,212). Rear brake shoes, wheel cylinders, and machine drums, worn ($395). Timing belt, oil seals, water pump, and belts in general ($850-950). Battery, corroded ($180).  Fluid, needs flushing ($122).  Clutch master and slave cylinders, need to be replaced as well as a fluid flush ($505).  And a general tune up on a 14-year-old car ($395). It’s beginning to sound a little like a mastercard commercial.  Not having to haul a bucket of cat litter and a bag of dog food home in the rain…priceless.

My Goodbye List

This is a recommended exercise out of Fisher’s Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends book.  A very helpful tome for such trying times.

Goodbye to

Arms around me
Saying I love you
Knowing another body as well as my own
Sleeping beside someone
Kisses
Holding hands
Someone to come home to
Telling someone about my day
Someone who knows me completely
Shared jokes, language, looks

Goodbye and Good Riddance to

Buying cereal and milk
Listening to someone slurp their milk when eating cereal
Cleaning up messes I didn’t create
Feeling lonely with someone else present
Listening to music I don’t like that makes me sad
Doing activities together but ending up alone
Looking to someone else for an answer
Cooking a variety of food
Asking permission
Waiting for approval

……………………………………………………….

10 Things I’m Ready to Say Hello to

Eating the same simple thing for multiple meals multiple days in a row
Taking a bath early and hanging out in pajamas or a robe for the rest of the night
Listening to the same song or album as many times and as long as I want to
Watching films I like
Exercising any time of day or night
Blending a smoothie at four in the morning if I want one
Vacuuming as early or late as needed
Building friendships with other people
Flirting madly
Discovering new passions and rediscovering old loves