I find it’s a little like being pregnant. How so you may ask? Well, when you are pregnant you may sometimes feel at your most disgusting, yet everyone around you says that thing about positively glowing. Yeah, it’s like that. Because everyone is throwing compliments at me that I’m looking very well, good, glam, gorgeous. I have to wonder if they are just saying those things to bolster my self-esteem, or if all these tears really do make my eyes sparkle.
I have dropped a size in clothing and my complexion cleared shortly after John moved out. Stress does crazy things to the body. Is this what people are noticing? Perhaps they see the ziji, which breaks down as zi= brilliance and ji=dignity. From Smile at Fear by Chogyan Trungpa (yes, I am learning how to become a fearless warrior): When you meet a friend who is in good health, you say, you’re looking good. The well-being you see in your friend is an expression of ziji. It could be regarded as basic charisma. It is a quality of basic health, which is good and definite. Do they see my true engagement with the most ordinary of interactions, my inner glee to be a part of life, to communicate with another person, to matter just for that second someone makes eye contact, to want so much to find beauty in something, in anything? Or maybe it’s just the new clothes that fit?
Whatever it may be, I do believe it’s working for me. Word is getting out on the street that I am a single agent again. When last I dated, I wasn’t quite legal drinking age yet and so didn’t realize “We should go get drinks.” was code for “I’m offering you my body, want some?” But apparently that is now what it means…at least here in P-Town 2012. I even hesitated before saying it again, but thought, that’s silly and said it anyway. No vomit stories this time, just the straight up proposition. I really need to brush up on the manual for these things. Perhaps if I change the sweeping general drinks offer, to coffee, it would just mean harmless drinks and chitchat.