Let me introduce you to one of my favorite expressions. Its origin is that of a vegan friend who ordered a salad at a restaurant and when it came to the table with cheese on it, I asked whether or not she would send it back. Her reply was “the cow’s already dead” and began munching away. Which was of course not true because it was only cheese, but still amusing and appropriate for a great many occasions in life.
One such occasion being, did John or is John schtupping someone else? Is he going alone on his holiday to Jamaica (an airline credit because he refused to go on our trip in September)? All I can say to that is the cow’s already dead. Would it change anything? No. Was it the catalyst for John checking out of the marriage? Perhaps, but the outcome remains the same. My non-communicative husband checked out of the marriage long before I noticed or before he admitted to being unhappy. Would it be easier to understand if he had an affair and then felt awful, like he had ruined everything? Maybe, yes. Would it make me any more or less devastated, confused, sad, hurt? Probably not. Therefore, the cow’s already dead. I’ve got to deal with the situation no matter what, pick up the scattered pieces, and create some new mosaic.